Dealing with Disappointment


The backstory behind the GC Bride Network Group:

Just this morning, I was having my usual breakfast and the person sitted one metre away from me had a notebook and was writing. She saw me also with a notebook beside and naturally we started talking - one metre apart. She is a counsellor.


She told me about her work as a counsellor and I ask her about marriage counselling because I have always felt the calling to uphold marriages (since I am a wedding dress designer by chance)

One of the thing that caught me throughout our conversation was this topic - disappointment. An emotion we might experience it often but also neglect. Be it during our daily lives or in our marriage. I remembered an excerpt I read from a book, I thought I should share this because I felt so relief after reading it. Here goes.


"What is the most difficult thing in life with relationships?


Since it takes two people to make a relationship work, and a relationship can easily be disrupted by third parties, relationship are tricky thing to nurture. In my own experience, even relationships that were strong for a long time seemed to suffer when I started to feel disappointed in the other person. Whenever I feel disappointed, if I don't address the feeling, it always comes back to harm the relationship. In other words, a feeling of disappointment is like a warning light, telling me that if I don't do something about it, the relationship could fail.


But unlike other emotions, disappointment is very tricky to express. It comes out as petty and small-minded, whereas if I keep it bottled up, it only gets worse. All of which makes it difficult to act either way. If we are depressed, we can at least say so and ask for help. Similarly, if we feel sad, we can cry. But if we are disappointed, the feeling is harder to express because we have to explain it to the person who has disappointed us.


People who come to me for advise on this describe their experience of disappointment in various ways. When parents fail to keep a promise, their children feel disappointed -- say, if their father was supposed to take them out to play or come to a school performance, but he forgot. Many fathers I've spoken with have shared their feelings of disappointment upon being treated like they are invisible by their wives and children. The same feelings arise in a wife when her husband does not take her side in a disagreement with her-in-laws or friends. A young man or woman in a relationship can feel disappointment when the partner who has been so attentive graduallly becomes half-hearted, not even responding when spoken to. Office workers can feel disappointment too , when colleagues or subordinates do not respect their ideas, or when a boss does not say anything about a project they've worked overtime on.


Our feelings of disappointment stem from having expectations of another person that go unfulfilled. Such expectations are often unspoken, and yet we wish that people would somehow figure them out based on nonverbal clues and fulfilled them for us. When they are not met, we become frustrated and want to shout "Do I have to spell it out everytime? Why can't you figure out what I want by looking at me and my circumstances?"


But of course it is difficult to know exactly what someone else expects if they haven't told us. Without the power of telepathy, how can we know what someone else is expecting? If we do not express our feelings of disappointment, they will start to build up and transform into more difficult emotions, such as anger, hurt, or even betrayal, and we may come to hold a grudge. So it is best to share your disappointment, rather than leaving it to build up inside you.


If we do not express our feelings of disappointment, they will start to build up and transform into more difficult emotions, such as anger, hurt, or even betrayal, and we may come to hold a grudge. So it is best to share your disappointment, rather than leaving it to build up inside you. And when you express it, you should be careful not to do it in a way that is aggressive or critical of other person, or when the other person is angry. Instead, wait until noth of you are calm and composed, and talk about only how you feel right then, not what was done or said many years ago. It can feel awkward at first , but after a bit of practice you will be able to stop repressing these feelings, and speak calmly without damaging your relationship.



Excerpts from #1 International Beseller "Love for Imperfect Things" - How to accept yourself in a world striving for perfection by Haemin Sunim page 117-119





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